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The 4 Stages of Fighting with Your Mom

As a betch, you’ve probs been fighting with your mom since she woke you from your nap in her womb. I mean, think back to middle school. With all the shit you pulled, it’s amazing that she did not throw your 13 year old ass out of the house for being such a sassy bitch. Even so, all those teenage years helped us perfect the mother-daughter fighting cycle. Here are the four stages of fighting with your mom.

1. The set off

Fights with our moms rarely start over anything important.

Example 1: Your mom forgot/didn’t do something she was supposed to because she’s old as fuck/doesn’t give a shit.

You: Why did you buy Coke Zero? I asked you to buy Diet Coke.

Mom: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot.

You: God, mom, you always do this!!

Example 2: Your mom, knowing the sneaky bitch that you are tries calling you out onyour shit. The best way to deal with this is to blame someone else or turn it around on her without answering the question.

Mom: I was looking at the credit card billandwondering who spent $500 at Bliss Spa this month.

You: Why don’t you fucking ask Jamie! You always blame me first! Now I’m going to have to talk to my therapist about how your blatant favoritism is ruining my life and you’re going to have to foot the bill!

Example 3: Your mom attempts to make you get your shit together.

In the rare case a fight does start over something important, it will be because your mom asked any variation of the what are you doing with your life? question. I don’t know mom, what are you doing with yours!? In her defense, betches can be so afraid of this question that we often assume she’s asking it even when she’s, like, not.

Mom: Hi, Honey, what are your plans for this afternoon?

You: Leave me alone. Why do you always put so much pressure on me!? GOD!

2. Rehashing things from the past

The rehashing stage almost always starts with the phrase This is so typical! or you always do this!! Then it’s on. Prepare to be reminded of every fight you two have had since like, 2nd grade. The time you got caught sneaking out in high school, the time your mom forgot to pick you up from dance class, and the drinking ticket you got freshman year are all topics that will be brought up during this stage of the mother-daughter fight. It’s no longer on my record, Mom! Let it go!! The best way to annoy your mom during this phase of the fight is to try and make her feel like she’s the maniac while putting a large emphasis on the end of yourwords. Mom you need to relaxxxxxxx you’re driving everyone around you insaneeeee.

Note: The more emphasis you place on the end of the word chilllllllllllll the more likely your mom will be to look into how to get you out of your dad’s will.

3. Separation

You storm off to your room, to your car, to the mall, wherever. Just make sure you make a dramatic exit. Once by yourself, and maybe after you’ve popped a Xanax, you’ll realize how much of a raging bitch you were. Time to suck it up and apologize, betch. If the fight was really bad, you can always just blame it on your PMS. Note that if you’re going to apologize it’s important to overdo it. Make sure to tell your mom how much you love her and appreciate everything she does for you. Be sure to top it all off with a mention that she looks like, soooo thin lately. There’s no point in apologizing for no fucking reason. This will ensure you get a bonding trip to Saks and a mani/pedi. The make up shopping spree is to fights with your mom what makeup sex is to fights with your boyfriend.

4. Ending it

Unless you’re one of those psychos who fights with their mom for like years, mother-daughter fights usually only last a couple of hours. The beautiful thing is, while a bestie might hold a grudge if you, like, call her a psycho bitch, your mom will ultimately forgive you since she loves you. Plus youliterally came out of her so she’s eventually going to forget that you totalled her car.She’s also spent way too much time raising you to stop talking to you now. Once the sorrys are said, everything is overthat is, until the next time she has the nerve toschedule brunch with your grandma on a Sunday at 11 amor like, ask you to get a job. Sure your mom isn’t a regular mom she’s a cool mom but that doesn’t mean you can’t occasionally tell her to GTFO of your room, no matter how much time and money she’s spent decorating it.

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6 Things That Got Better In The 6 Months Following My Breakup

I read somewhere that to get over a breakup, it takes about half the duration of time your relationship lasted.

My most recent relationship ended after a little over a year, so for me, I am quickly approaching that mark. But our unofficial relationship dates back years. So do I get more time?

How long does it actually take to get over someone?

According to Drake, it takes forever because ~you never really stop loving someone~. You either never did, or always will.

Am I over my relationship? Have I TRULY moved on? I cant really answer that.

But it has been half a year since Ive been in it, and Id like to reflect on some of the changes that have happened in this time.

1. Overall Mood

I missed this Marissa, said an old college friend of mine when she came to visit me during my breakup. I thought, Um what does that even mean? Ive always been this Marissa.

Or had I?

Relationships change you. Sometimes for the better, but unfortunately, sometimes for the worse.

My ex is not a horrible human who abused me or tried to make me something I was not. I dont wish bad upon him because, well, he is someone I still love very much.

When I look back on our relationship, however, I realize he changed me in ways that werent so good for me.

I am a pretty outgoing, happy person overall, but I never felt good enough for my boyfriend. He often made me doubt myself, instead of lifting me up.

Spoiler alert: this is the complete opposite of what a boyfriend should be doing.

I constantly questioned his intentions, but this was beyond trust issues. What I mean by this is I was always asking, Does he really love me? Why hasnt he texted me today? Am I good enough for him?

I had been in a previous relationship where I had no doubt of my partners feelings because we were very open with each other.

My most recent boyfriend, however, never had been in a serious relationship. This hurt us a lot.

I felt like I couldnt talk to him about how I was feeling, literally ever. I wasnt myself. I was always sad, and always trying to hide that sadness. I knew it, and so did those closest to me.

When we broke up, a slight weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I missed him; I was sad; I cried (a lot). I still feel these things at times, but guess what? I am good enough.

I dont doubt myself or feel obligated to prove my worth to anyone. Im always just doin me (love you, Drizzy).

And I place the blame on me (partially) for letting myself be with a person who made me feel anything less than amazing, for not speaking up every time I should of and for letting someone elses actions hindermy own.

2. Self-Confidence

I hate to say the word dumped because I knew the end of the relationship was coming. He just had the guts to pull the trigger first.

However, getting dumped actually BOOSTED my confidence. I never wanted to admit it, but my boyfriend essentially made me more self-conscious than beautiful and loved.

I cant remember the nicest thing he ever said to me. Quite frankly, he was a man of few kind words. I received the good morning, beautiful text messages whenever he knew he fuckedup.

He never praised my appearance, outfits or body.

One night around the holidays, I attended a work event of his. Its important to note that I am the polar opposite of a girly girl. And I may not be a size 0, Instagram model, trendy chick, but I think of myself as attractive (not to mention, awesome AF) young woman.

I had received one of those in-store Sephora makeovers as a gift for Christmas. I thought this was a great way to get someone else to do the work, and my guy would be able to show me off to all his co-workers.

When he saw me that night, the first thing he blurted out was WHOA thats a bit much. Bruh

In all, my ex just wasnt good at making me feel good.

I dont know ifit was his lack of finding the right words and the right moment, or if he just really didnt think much of me,but I dont care anymore.

When I became single, I started going on dates, flirting at bars and feeling like my old, cool, college self (just way less promiscuous and way more mature, thankfully).

And even though I wasnt genuinely interested in literally any of these new guys, the newfound attention helped me get back on my horse and remember that Im a bomb ass catch.

3. My Body And Fitness Commitment

No, I didnt drop 20 poundsto spite my ex and show him what hes missing.

Yes, there was a short period of time where I had no appetite because of the horrible sadness and grief, and I dropped weight quickly. But that also ended quickly because, well, food is amazing and pizza exists.

However, binge eating while watching Netflix on a Friday night in just isnt as much fun (or socially acceptable, unfortunately) to do alone.

So with a decrease in midnight snacking and eating out, mixed with an increase in cooking for myself and actually sleeping enough at night, I did loose a little bit of weight.

Instead of skipping the gym to hang with bae, I had much more free time to focus on me.I put working out back on top of my list of daily priorities.

Currently, Im training for a half marathon. I run at least 5 miles a day.

This all definitely aided my newfound self-confidence, except the best part is that it isnt to get him back. Its because I look AND feel better.

4. Friendships

When youre in a relationship, its very easy to loose sight of your priorities.

You want to spend all of your time with this person. You forget there are other people whocare about you, and whom you care about, as well.

I like to think I did a pretty decent job at balancing my friends and my boyfriend, but when it came down to it, I was guilty of more often than not picking him over them. It was comfortable, safe and easy to spend all of my time with him.

Lucky for me, I hadnt damaged my friendshipstoo much while in my relationship. When the relationship ended, I always wanted to be doing something to distract myself.

I wanted to go out more, meet new people and just have fun. I was always making plans with friends, texting them more and overall, I was being a better friend.

It was only after becoming single again that my eyes were opened to how truly damaging a significant other can be to friendships if you arent careful.

I was thankful that my friends were there for me because, when it comes down to it, hoes before bros. Always.

5. My Strength

I forgot to mention the part where my boyfriend left me while we were living in a city four hours away from my hometown, closest friends and family.

I had no idea how I was going to survive in that place alone. I could count on one hand how many people I felt like I could rely on where I lived. I had no choice but to get my shit together.

I didnt have time to feel sorry for myself. I didnt let my world crumble just because he was no longer in it.

The quote you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have is a bit dramatic for my situation, but it applies.

Because when the time came to be strong, it really wasnt so hard.

It might havehelped that while we were together, I was already conditioned into barely being able to rely on him emotionally.

Yeah, I was lonely at times. I suffered many anxiety and panic attacks, butI handled it. I put my big girl pants on, and I survived.

6. My expectations for future relationships

People come into your life as a lesson or a blessin. And I have definitely learned my lesson.

Settling is actually bullshit.

Why ever settle for someone average, when you could be getting extraordinary?

I really dont know what I was thinking. I would never get back into a relationship like the one I was in under those circumstances.

So, why did I hold onto a person who was doing me more harm than good for so long? Probably (definitely) because he was truly my best friend.

In fact, we were best friends for years before we dated. But I will make new friends, and I will meet new lovers.

Maybe we wont have the same stupid sense of humor or taste in music. Maybe no one will ever be as compatible for me as my ex once was. But at least they wont make me feel belittled.

Maybe they will actually be proud to call me theirs; maybe theyll surprise me with flowers here and there and be a loving romantic. Who knows, but Im hoping I find out soon.

I guess themoral of my story is that whether or not you have moved on from a past relationship, and despite how much time has passed, I bet you something good has come from this time you have been apart.

You just need to figure out what that is, and use it.

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Stop Kissing My Wife

Remind her God has called her to a lasting love, not pushed her into a momentary fling. Guard her heart, protect her purity and love her so selflessly that youd end the relationshipeven knowing it would hurt herif you knew it was best for her.

By Lairs Johnston

To the man who is currently dating my future wife: Holding hands is one thing, kissing my wife is another.

Ill be honest, social norms are lost on me. I spent my teenage years searching for physical relationships before emotional ones. Needless to say, my dating world is pretty messed up.

Truth is, recently I met a girl that I liked, and we clicked really well. You could say we were really close to being Nicholas Sparks next inspiration for The Notebook 2: Facebook Official. But for some reason I kept feeling God saying, Not yet.

Now to be honest, God has confused me a lot in my life, but the one thing thats been consistent is His ability to be right. So I let her go. The weird thing isshe moved on.

Now Ill start by saying I dont know if shes the one for me or whatever, but its weird watching a girl Im interested in date someone else. Then I started to think, What if she and I do end up getting married. How do I want her relationship with this new guy to go?

Ill be honest; this is the first time Ive looked at a woman and thought big picture. I was the guy who thought sex and relationships were two different thingsthat is, until now. With this in mind, Ive thought of a few things I really hope she remembersand MORE IMPORTANTLY, I rememberthe next time Im out on that date with The Little Mermaids Kiss the Girl stuck in my head. I now ask myself these questions that I think could be helpful for all the single ladies.

1. Wheres his bar?

What attracts us to a person? What is it we look for? Congratulations, he bought you flowers? What we look for (especially in the beginning) should have less to do with how we get treated and more to do with how we treat those we dont get along with. Posting a picture on Facebook of the flowers he bought you isnt nearly as romantic as posting, He had to cancel because the shelter where he volunteers flooded, and now he has to help clean it up. Any dude will spoil a girl, especially in the beginning, but ladies should pay attention to how the guy treats those who have nothing to offer him. THATS when you start falling in love or moving on.

2. What does he find attractive?

Cool. You two like the same band. Give each other a high-five and move on with life. Oh, whats that you say? You both have a heart to serve high school-age kids, especially homeless teens? And you want to foster teens?!?!?! Now THAT should be a Nicholas Sparks novel, but unfortunately the world has turned love into finding what fits your lifestyle more than who youre serving.

Pay attention to your dates passions. If your man is already selflessly serving others, how do you think hes going to treat you? Any dude with a minimum-wage job can buy your meal; only a dude willing to lay down his life for a stranger will be able to fight for a healthy marriage.

3. Dat booty doe

Heres one thats really hit me: What do I call beautiful? Ladies, I hate to break it to you, but your body is going to get MESSED UP by life. And dudes?!?! That six-pack you think you see in the mirror is really just the result of you holding your breath for 30 seconds and becoming a shading master with a Sharpie. OUR BODIES WERENT CREATED TO IMPRESS THE WORLD.

Because sexual abuse and perversion were such a big part of my life, for a long time it was important that whoever I dated was basically Mother Teresa meets Jennifer Aniston in the third season of Friends. It was ridiculous. The only real thing I have to offer is Jesus.


If a girl wants me because I got a booty that just wont quit, well, as soon as my booty decides to quit and starts sagging toward my calves, she wont be attracted to me anymore. Or if Im totally into her flat stomach, as soon as she gives birth to our first kid, Im going to get all livid that shes not hitting that CrossFit P90X creatine diet that gets her back to the place where I DEEM HER GOOD ENOUGH.

SOto the man currently dating my future wife: I hope youre quick to remind her of her beauty and worth but NEVER leave her feeling like her looks are all she has to offer. I hope you NEVER set a standard thats even hard for me, her future husband, to meet. I hope you NEVER change your personality trying to be who she wants, and by doing so, waste more time that I could be spending with her. Last but not least, please, PLEASE dont ever replace God in her life. Push her to EXPECT a decent man, not idolize one. Remind her God has CALLED HER TO A LASTING LOVE, not pushed her into a momentary fling. Guard her heart, protect her purity and love her so selflessly that youd end the relationshipeven knowing it would hurt herif you knew it was best for her.



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8 Celebs With Surprising Foursquare Mayorships


This Awkward Feathered Dinosaur Was Almost Blown Up By Dynamite

Please, if youre blowing up the side of a mountain or part of a quarry, double check you havent got any dinosaurs laying around. Fossils are rather wonderful, fragile things, and they wont stand up too well against the awesome power of dynamite.

Such an unfortunate fate almost took hold of a newly discovered dinosaur found buried beneath a Chinese construction site. Although parts of the 72-million-year-old fossil were in fact blasted to kingdom come, the workers decided that it probably wasnt a good idea to continue without contacting some paleontologists.

That they did. As a rather splendid study in the journal Scientific Reports describes, the new creature represents one of the last flurries of evolution for the dinosaurs before almost all of them were wiped out by an asteroid, a lot of fiery volcanism, and the rise of mammals.

Its been named Tongtianlong limosus, which means muddy dragon on the road to heaven. It was found preserved in ancient mud, with its limbs splayed and its winged forearms spread out across the ground. It would have had a snubbed, toothless, beak-like mouth, a small head crest, and a parrot-like skull. It was roughly the size of a sheep, and likely had an omnivorous diet.

It’s part of a group of very advanced bird-like, feathered dinosaurs called oviraptorosaurs, Dr Stephen Brusatte, a paleontologist at the University of Edinburgh, told BBC News.

The fossil in all its wonky glory. Lu et al./Scientific Reports

The oviraptorosaurs first emerged during the Cretaceous Period, the twilight chapter in the age of the dinosaurs. They ranged greatly in habitat, diet and size, with some being roughly proportional to a turkey, and others like the appropriately-named Gigantoraptor, which was 8 meters (26 feet) long and weighed around 1.3 tonnes (1.4 tons).

They belonged to the overarching group Maniraptora, which gave rise to both flying dinosaurs and their contemporary descendants, birds.

Modern birds came from dinosaurs, Brusatte said, and its dinosaurs likeTongtianlongthat give us a glimpse of what the ancestors of modern birds would have looked like.

Living alongside some increasingly diverse pterosaurs and primitive mammal-like critters, these bird-like beasts with their colorful plumage and varying ability to glide were a preview of the dinosaurs that would survive the incoming global catastrophe one that would kill off up to 75 percent of life on Earth.

A recent study documented that dinosaurs were in decline for about 50 million years before the asteroid hit. The number of new species appearing on the world stage was being gradually eclipsed by the number that were becoming extinct, and some have argued that they were destined to die even before the giant space rock finished them off.

However, the complex mixture of physical characteristics displayed by T. limosus reveals that, at least in some pockets of the world, dinosaurian lineages were continuing to flourish and diversify at breakneck speed. This so-called Muddy Dragon, then, represented one of the very last examples of dinosaur evolution before they were wiped off the face of the Earth.

Its lucky that dinosaurs appeared to be fairly clumsy. This one probably died by tripping over and falling into some mud, which preserved it rather spectacularly.

Another dinosaur an Iguanodon fell into an acidic swamp millions of years earlier, which resulted in its brain being pickled and conserved long enough for researchers to stumble across it. Thanks to this series of unfortunate events back in the Cretaceous, the world now has its first fossilized dinosaur brain.

The location of the fossil site. Lu et al./Scientific Reports

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Hedge Fund Billionaire Phil Falcone Banned From Running Insurance Company He Owns

Steve Marcus / Reuters

Billionaire Phil Falcone, whose hedge fund was one of the biggest winners from the financial crisis, has once again been banned from an industry by one of his regulators.

Following an SEC settlement in August in which Falcone and his fund Harbinger Capital Partners were fined for $18 million and banned him from the securities industry, New York’s financial and insurance regulator, the Department of Financial Services, has banned Falcone from servicing as an officer in Fidelity & Guaranty Life Insurance Company of New York, its parent company Fidelity & Guaranty Life, or any insurer licensed in New York for seven years.

Fidelity & Guaranty Life, the Maryland-based insurer with a New York subsidiary, is controlled by Falcone’s Harbinger Group, a holding company that also owns a Bermuda-based reinsurance company and several consumer brands.

In Falcone’s August SEC settlement, Harbinger Capital admitted to secretly loaning $113 million to Falcone even when his investors couldn’t make redemptions from the fund, favoring some investors in getting money out of the fund, and violating securities laws in a 2006 bond trade.

It is vital to ensure that those who operate insurance companies will always put retirees and policyholders first and act with the utmost integrity, Benjamin M. Lawsky, head of the DFS, said in a statement announcing Falcone’s ban.

Falcone’s Harbinger is one of many hedge funds and private equity firms to get involved in the insurance industry. Apollo, the private equity giant recently acquired the U.S. insurance business of Aviva, a British insurer.

Lawsky and other state insurance regulators have recently stepped up their scrutiny of private equity and hedge fund investors controlling insurance companies, especially ones that offer fix annuities, which are insurance contracts that guarantee payments to policyholders over a certain period of time. In a speech this April, Lawsky said that private equity owners may not be long term players in the insurance industry and their short-term focus may result in an incentive to increase investment risk and leverage in order to boost short-term returns.

Falcone’s ban from exercising direct or indirect control over Fidelity New York lasts for seven years and applies to other Harbinger Capital employees. DFS said in the release announcing Falcone’s ban that the SEC’s settlement, and specifically Falcone’s admission of wrongdoing, a rarity when the SEC settles, demonstrate serious issues related to Mr. Falcone’s fitness to control the management, operations, and policyholder funds of a New York insurance company.

The SEC said in its settlement with Falcone may have collateral consequences under federal or state law and the rules and regulations of self-regulatory organizations, licensing boards, and other regulatory organizations.

This subsequent ban is an example of just that and a result of the SEC’s move towards getting more defendants to admit guilt when they settle civil cases. The admissions can be groundwork for both further civil lawsuits from investors and provide a groundwork for other regulators to pursue their own investigations and settlements.

Fidelity is in the midst of a planned initial public offering, looking to raise $100 million on a valuation of $1 billion, according to Bloomberg. Harbinger will still maintain majority control of the company following the stock offering.

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6 Healthy Sweets That Can Replace Your Bag Of Halloween Candy

The haunted houses, ghosts and tricks of Halloween can be pretty spooky, but what is really frightening about this holiday is how it can derail healthy eating habits before you can say boo.

It starts with the Halloween candy presented in early September in gigantic and well-lit displays. Its hard to navigate around the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and Twix without a few falling into your cart.

And then, when you see them in your pantry, it is nearly impossible not to enjoy a few (or more) samples before the big day.

After two months of looking at the Halloween candy, its finally time for you to hand it out. There will be no disappointed children at your front door, so you buy way more candy than youd ever need.

Then, there are dozens ofpieces of candy just asking to be eaten. If you have kids in your home, you also have the opportunity to pilfer through their trick-or-treating haul as well.

Once youve fallen off the healthy eating wagon on Halloween, its easy to talk yourself into making those same choices throughout the holiday season.

Oh, why not have one morePeppermint Pattie? Im going to start making pies for Thanksgiving in just a few weeks, and Ill be off the wagon then for sure. Next, youre on to Christmas.

Halloween becomes a gateway to either a successful or unhealthy holiday season.

But nobody wants to be a buzzkill on Halloween or at any of the parties that accompany the holiday. We still want to hand out candy and be part of the fun.

So, here are seven healthy Halloween candy alternatives you should try this fall:

Homemade Chocolate

Lots of the chocolate handed out at Halloween is packed with tons of sugar, high fructose corn syrup, preservatives and emulsifiers.

Turns out, its easier than youd think to make your own chocolate candy at home. Most simple recipes require only four ingredients and can be poured into any shape or mold youd like.

Better yet, they can be ready in just 10 minutes.

Organic Lollipops

Some of us still want the convenience of buying our Halloween treats, but so many of the candies available are full of unrecognizable ingredients. Thats why buying organic lollipops for Halloween is an easy way to fulfill your healthy Halloween obligations.

These are made with real fruit juice, not artificial colors or flavors, and have 100 percent of your kiddos daily Vitamin C dose.

Thanks to the natural flavors, you dont have to worry about tons of added sugar and high fructose corn syrup. This will help you avoid the dreaded toothache that typically accompanies eating too much Halloween candy.

What Happens To Your Body When You Stop Eating Processed Sugar [Body & Mind]

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Popcorn Balls

To make popcorn balls for Halloween, use butter, brown sugar and marshmallows to make the treat stick together. For Halloween, you might be tempted to add in some candy corn or other dcor, but why not try dried cranberries, which are full of antioxidants, or roasted pumpkin seeds for a kick of extra magnesium?

Popcorn balls are basically the healthier version of Rice Krispies treats, and they will be a crowd-pleaser on Halloween.

Fun-Sized Treats

Some families balk at handing out homemade goods. They think, What about allergies or those old wives tales of razors hidden in homemade candy?

Thankfully, there are at least some low-calorie, snack-sized candy options at the grocery store.

Look for Halloween-inspired jelly beans, touted the healthiest of the candies, individual Pixy Stix or a roll of Smarties without busting your healthy habits too much.

Healthier Candy Apples

Candy apples are a delicious Halloween tradition. Usually covered in sticky, sweet caramel or a hard, red sugar coating and placed on a stick, kids have eaten these treats for years.

For a healthy take on the candy apple, dip them in melted dark chocolate and roll in chopped nuts.

Allergy-Friendly Snacks

Many of us know at least someone who has food allergies or intolerances to ingredients like soy, nuts and gluten, and no one wants to see anyone left out of the fun of Halloween.

But, it can be hard to decipher the ingredient lists on those bags of candy at the store, so order allergy-friendly Halloween treatsto ensure that all of the kids who come to your door (or friends who come to party) can enjoy the goodies.

Between the scary movies, insane parties and deciding how tasteless it would be to dress up as Kim K getting robbed, there are many things to keep us busy as Halloween approaches.

Dont fret about maintaining your healthy lifestyle during this spooky season by trying these healthy Halloween candy alternatives this fall.

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